So Why Don't You Kill Me?

Let me explain.

Deep in the heart of every human being, whether they like to admit it or not, is a desire. A desire to hurt. A desire to hunt. A desire to win. My family plays a game called Loser that satisfies the desire.

In Loser, everyone starts out in the field (Loser Land), with the exception of the permanent kicker, who stands on the deck (the Winner’s Circle) . The kicker sends a large, air-filled ball sailing directly into the crowd. The person who catches it gets to come up on to the deck and become a kicker (adults need to catch two balls before they can come up). If a kicker makes an uncatchable kick, they are sent back to Loser Land, amidst jeers and cries to “Hang your head in shame!” If someone goes to catch the ball, and they miss it in a lame and embarrassing way, they are awarded a penalty. This adds another ball onto the amount that they must catch before coming up onto the deck. The last person left in the field is the Loser, and must endure ridicule and disgrace. There are no winners in the game, only one supreme loser (which, I think, says something about my family).

The thing about Loser is, there’s only one rule against violence: You can’t knock someone down if the ball is nowhere near them. Everything else is fair game. My family is violent at rest…but at play? Dear lord. Loser is a game that raises the adrenaline and the testosterone to levels that leave you growling, clawing at the air, and desperate to sink your fists into someone’s stomach. Even passive, overly chipper Andrew was a wide-eyed, snarling mess. In fact, his violence made the freaking party.

My Aunt Melissa’s boyfriend (Mark) brought his sister (Frankie) and her girlfriend (Minka) with him. Minka is blind in one eye. But did Andrew take pity on her? Not even slightly. Even though he could have easily plucked the balls from the sky, since he’s tall and everyone in my family is short, he decided he wanted a little more action. One ball went in Minka’s direction, and Andrew flew out of nowhere, and BODY CHECKED her. She went flying…and then she went ROLLING LIKE A LOG across the lawn. My ENTIRE family was screaming with laughter. I couldn’t walk, I was laughing so hard. I turned around, and I saw my dad LAYING ON THE GROUND, spread eagle, crying with laughter. It was the funniest fucking thing that ever happened. Holy shit. Of course, that was the thing that sealed the deal. Andrew has been accepted by the Palmas.


Oh, and I got hit in the face so hard that my glasses snapped in half. Whatevs. : )